Arrogance

There are some situations and environments in which I consider myself to a fairly balanced, open-minded, logical person. There are times when I am consistently able to view things from other perspectives, assume good faith in people's behavior, or understand how the formative events in someone's life can lead them to have preferences and beliefs that are very different from mine. The fact that I don't drink alcohol, for example, has never been something that I try to impress upon people as being a "better" lifestyle. I have simply come to believe that it's the right choice for me; if other people choose differently and make it work, that's just fine in my book.

But I don't claim to be some hyper-aware Zen master. At times, it's quite the opposite. There are some things that I am consistently an arrogant prick about. Every course I've taken that involves writing finds itself in this category. How are you still confused about the meanings of "journal", "issue", and "article" after we've already gone over the distinction in class? Why, when I am peer reviewing your work, are you not using commas correctly? Why does the skills section of your résumé say "Can type 35+ words per minute"? There is only one conclusion that my massive omni-perspective brain can come to: these people are just fucking stupid.

For a long time, my music was something that existed just for me. I had no interest in playing for or with anyone else. If there was a guitar in the room, I would immediately begin playing on it, but I would pay absolutely no attention to whether people were listening or enjoying it. I suppose there are two main reasons why this was the case: first, it didn't dawn on me until college that it is unusual for a person to sit on a chair for hours and hours trying to do something that was unrelated to schoolwork or a job.

Me: "So what do you do in your spare time?"
Idiot: "Nothing."
Me: "...what do you mean? Isn't there something you try to get better at?"
Idiot: "Nope, I pretty much just do homework and then stare at Facebook for hours."
Me: "Erm..."

The extent to which my habits were unusual became pretty clear after that conversation had happened a few dozen times. The other reason that I kept my music mostly to myself was that the person who heard it most often, my girlfriend at the time, was decidedly disinterested in the noises I generated. After hearing "It would be nicer if you just played chords," for the hundredth time, I guess I just decided that no one would ever be interested, and that was fine.

There were two events that helped to propel my music into the arrogance realm. The first was when I encountered those rare, wonderful people who immediately understood and admired what I was trying to do with my guitar -- Special K in Orlando and Pseudovah in Boston. Their appreciation convinced me that my efforts have been worthwhile, and the fact that there are two of them suggest that they are not experimental errors or a glitch in the Matrix. The other event was when I began performing at open mic nights, which are dominated by acoustic guitarists. I very quickly developed a bitter resentment towards anyone who dared to waste my time with their uncomplicated singer-songwriter bullshit. They should be lining up to kiss my pale, talent-laden buttcheeks.

The toxicity of this attitude didn't become apparent until just a few days ago. I went to an open mic on Thursday having prepared "The Temple," easily the most difficult song I have ever attempted to perform in public, along with a brief introductory speech about sprinkles (seriously). After six and a half minutes of grueling overhand tapping work running all over the fretboard through ridiculous time signatures, polyrhythms, and metric modulation, I struck the final note. Even before the wave of applause washed over me, I felt a surge of adrenaline that came from two distinct places. The first was pride of the self: "I can't believe I just pulled that off!" The second was the validation of my arrogance: "I'm so much better than all of these fuckers!"

After discussing the nature of comparisons and arrogance with the internets and a close friend, I came to see how badly I was hurting myself by always viewing non-technical musicians as worthless. I will always be a bit of an arrogant sumbitch, I will always be obsessed with improving, and I will always prefer playing bizarre demonstrations of technique rather than crowd pleasers. However, from here on out, I will try to keep in mind that some people just like to noodle around for fun, and that my pursuit of perfection does not somehow make me a better person.

It sucks to be knocked off of one's high horse. It's easier to climb down while you have the chance.

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Week 15 total: 25 hours
Grand total: 371.5 hours
Required pace: 288.5 hours (+83)